No Fishing Here

  It has come to my attention that at approximately 00.03am on the 26/06/14 the fish you could have previously found on my page have regrettably passed away, due to some annoying individual deciding that the widget no longer had a place on this website. In protest I am writing an angry blog post with the full knowledge that nobody relevant will see it but oh well, it makes me feel better. May I offer my full condolences for my dreams and aspirations for the future, as they cannot be allowed to continue without my little fishies present to admire them all 

Key-gate

  It's official, I have lost my house keys. I never knew it was possible for a key to grow legs and walk off but that's apparently what mine has done, never mind that it somehow made it into the house with me last night when I stumbled in half asleep  after a busy shift at work followed by a tedious mile and a half walk home from the train station.

  Dear key, if you're reading this, please come home. I promise mummy's not mad at you, she just wants to talk, and more importantly get back into the house.

An Ode To Second Year

  I've not really blogged much in the past 12 months, it's not because I don't like you all anymore, I promise I do. It's just I had this thing during my second year that I didn't quite have in my first, and that's an active social life. 

  I don't know what it is but it's almost like people have just decided this year that it's ok to hang out with Nina, as opposed to last year when I was living a hermit existence, feeding off of Pot Noodles, Netflix and Assassins Creed. A year on I personally don't feel much has changed since then, I still live my life on Netflix and games, and let's be honest, as a student during exam season I temporarily disabled my ability to use a hob, a skill I am still struggling to reset now that I'm back home. 

  If you were to ask my family they would tell you in my first week back I burnt curry, burnt rice, undercooked pasta and it was only thanks to my sisters quick thinking that the garlic bread didn't share the fate of the previous nights curry! That cost me a good 30 minutes of non stop scrubbing the charcoal off the bottom of the pan until it was all silver and shiny again.

How To Lose Your Assignment

Hello ladies and gentlemen, tonight I am going to show you how to lose your super important assignment. Are you comfortable? Very well, let's begin.

Step 1) Enrol at university, not just any uni mind. Pick one renowned for its incompetence and inability to care about anything.

Step 2) Pick a subject where essay writing is key to everything you do. 

Step 3) Ensure the tutor marking your assignment is a complete fool. THIS IS ESSENTIAL

Step 4) Finish your assignment at the university library on one of the readily unavailable Stone Age computers they supply.

Step 5) Correctly hand in your assignment on time (or a day before as I did) and walk away knowing you did the best you could and there's nothing more you can do but wait.

Step 6) Be informed by your module coordinater, the only one who seems to actually care what is going on that your assignment has unfortunately gone for a walk and the office are unable to locate it. This will therefore result in a fail being flagged up in your results being nothing was submitted, when you know full well that was a lie. 

Step 7) Lose all faith in humanity, drop out of university and take up a full time position at McDonald's where you will spend the rest of your uneducated existence flipping burgers for minimum wage.